Moving On...

Sometimes I am just not sure what to write. I have three blogs in draft. Of course they are all about the miscarriage...but they all seemed a bit too "real" to post on my otherwise sunny blog.

The past two and half months have been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. There have been some great days, some good days and some that are just so, so. When I found I was pregnant it was right after Thanksgiving and my 40th Birthday. I was looking forward to the holidays, especially, now that the boys are at that magical age of really getting the Christmas spirit. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was shocked, hubs and I were trying to prevent pregnancy (obviously, we are not that good at it). It took me a couple of weeks to wrap my head around the idea of having another baby. I does not take me a super long time to get used to things. I tend to take a day or two to pick up myself up, dust off and move on. I adapted to the idea of baby number three pretty easily. Now, I have to let go of the idea of baby three and move on.

Today I actually feel much better. Seems as though the healing process is going well (Dr's appointment on Thursday will give me definate answer) and my hormones are getting back to normal. Whew! Poor hubs and boys...there for a couple of days it was touch and go. I feel like I am getting some balance back. The rain is helping too. The rain has made everything sorta stop for us, which in turn helps me refocus, relax and think about what's important. Instead of running around, being frantic and wound up.

We had told Jettson about the baby. His response was really funny. Here is how it went:

Me: Jett...mama is going to have another baby.

Jett: What? You're joking me, right?

Me: Um, no I am not joking you, mama is going to have a baby.

Jett: But, you have too much already, you have me and you have Owen and he is crazy.

Me: Well, what else do you think about it?

Jett: I think it's poop.

As the weeks passed he seemed fine with it. We talked about it a few more times and he told me he wanted a little sister. Then, I had to "untell" him. It it went like this:

Me: Jett, remember when mama told you we were having a baby? Well, mama is not going to have a baby anymore. The baby....

Jett: died?

Me: um...well...yes.

Jett: Just like the mom in the movie "Up" lost her baby?

Me: um...yes, kinda, like in the movie "Up."

Jett: I am sorry mom.

Me: Me too Jett. How does this make you feel?

Jett: Kinda sad.

Me: Me too Jett, me too. I love you Jett.

Jett: I love you too, mom.

Man...I am still choking up over that conversation with Jettson. He seemed to understand. He has not asked about the baby again. Hubs and I have had some deep conversations too. Amazingly, something so heart wrenching has brought us all closer as a family.

I am moving on now. I have spent the past four days grieving and cooking. I am finding that when things are a little nuts in my life I cook. I have always done this however, it took this past event for me to see it. I have made homemade mac and cheese, peanut butter cookies, lemon bars, skillet lasagna and chicken pot pies. It is my way of controlling whatever it is that I cannot control in my own life. I love that you follow a set of directions and something wonderful appears!

Thank you friends for all of your kind outpouring of words, some of you have told me your own stories of miscarriage, thank you. I know for me writing about my miscarriage and talking about it are helping me heal. Thank you for listening to me and letting me tell you my story. I know sunny days are ahead, for that I am grateful. xoC