The Female Experience

CAUTION: TMI for those who do not like to read REAL STUFF...wonder why people post their business on public doamins... or you do not to like read other people's life's experience, then I suggest you pass on this post.

TONE: Sad, peaceful and calm and loved felt:

Last week I posted that I was pregnant. However, I am now writing that I have lost the baby (or fetus or embryo... call it whatever makes you feel better...to me it was a little tiny human, Baby H).

Here is the deal... Hubs has been telling me for year that he would love to have one more child. However, with me hitting the big 4-0 and all the other challenges in life, I just felt like adding one more to mix would be hard. Last year, around March (2009) I thought I was preggo...I had such a hard time thinking that I was indeed with child that I thought all kinds of horrible things. I felt like the worst mother and woman on the planet.

When I found out I was pregnant in November (2009) I cried for a minute. I thought about what happend last year, I knew that I did not want to have the same response. I knew that I owed the little life growing inside me the same love and care that I gave to my three other pregnancies. When I told hubs our news...he was over the moon with excitement. Kinda hard not to get excited when the love of your life is so happy about the life you have both created. I am not a hugely private person. I feel like when I am going through something the first thing I do is scoure the internet for information...some of the best information has come from other people posting their business. It has helped me. I sorta feel if I am going through something, it's not only theraputic for me to write about it, but I hope that my post will help someone else.

This is the second miscarriage I have experienced. I have also had two successful pregnancies..ala, Jettson and Owen. I feel like this is all part of the female experience...creating life, caring for life, and sometimes losing life. It is an amazing, soulful, and miraculous experince. There are so many layers of emotions that get peeled away. One part of this pregnancy I was looking forward to was peeling away another layer of motherhood. Please do not get me wrong...I do not think that having one child or twenty neccessarly makes you a good mother (or father)...I was just thinking, for me personally, having another child would be a deeper journey into motherhood and the creative process got me excited. I love making "stuff" and the thought of making another little baby, started getting my creative juices flowing.

I am sad that Baby H will not be joining us in this life, however, he or she did teach me a very valuable lesson...that no matter what, I am a mother, and I need to dig as deep as I can into being the best mother that I can be. This whole journey of mothering is part of my female experience. I know that when I see other pregnant moms or little babies this year...there will be a little pang of what could have been for our family. However, I have two amazing children who are healthy and wonderfully happy...I am blessed! Hubs and I love eachother and we care for eachother and we will get through this moment with grace and love.