On a Mission

I have not been on the computer much lately because I'm on a mission to lose some inches and hopefully some weight.

Listen, I'm going to be totally honest. Not just because someone may or may not be reading this. I'm being honest with myself and one day when my boys are older they will know a little more about their mommy.

I have not always been chubby...but I have ALWAYS FELT FAT! When I look back on pics of my youth I was just an average girl...pretty much looked like everyone else. Until....Jr High...by 7th Grade my boobs went from nothing to a C cup...now you think that would be great right? Nope...it wasn't...it was awful, mostly, because I didn't look like everyone else. Teenagers are brutal. I resorted to wearing huge sweatshirts, hunching my back and I dropped out of sports by 8th Grade. Big boobs and basketball, kinda don't mix. Then my family life was crumbling around me. Little Debbie became a very dear friend of mine and I think I put on 20 lbs between 8th and 9th grade. I never took it off---I gained another 10lbs between 9th and 10th grade. My parents broke up for zillionth time and we moved from Oklahoma to California. It wasn't like I ate tons, I just ate whatever I wanted without thinking about it.

My weight has been a monkey on my back all my life! By the time I was 24 I was living in Europe and my whole relationship with food changed... for life. Young people in Europe are not normally overweight. They are pretty much slim and active. It made me want to change the way I ate and lived my life. I no longer ate mindlessly...I began to think about what I was eating and how it made me feel...mindful eating. I no longer lived to eat but began to see food as something I needed to make my body work. In Europe you walk or bike everywhere, there was no real effort in my slim down, it just happend, naturally. It was part of the lifestyle. I have done "DIETS" in the past and I absolutely HATE THEM! I think they are such a waste of space. Plus, every person I know who goes on a diet never stays on them and they always gain the weight back or more. 

I was able to stay at a healthy weight for most of my 20's and early 30's---until kids! The supermodel, Gisele Bundchen was recently quoted, "I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals." At first the quote pissed me off! in my mind I was quoted saying,  "Um...sorry, dear...we are not all supermodels being paid millions to show off our "assets" of course you have a very, very good reason not to let your body go to hell, plus that's your job to constantly think about your body, what you're eating, exercise...it's what you get paid to do! You have nannys...you give up breatfeeding, because god forbid your tata's will actually sag!" After my brief rant in my head to Ms. Bundchen...I actually, agreed with her. It's not that I "turned into a garbage disposal" it's that for the first time I felt like I could just eat and not think about what was going to happen to my body because I was going to get fat no matter how hard I tried not to, right? That was my attitude with my first pregnancy...plus, the weight was going to magically fall off because I was breastfeeding, right? Man, I was so wrong on so many levels...Jett was a demanding baby...and I never had a second to think of myself until he was like 18months old...I lost a huge chunk of the weight by then but I was still about 20lbs from my pre-preggo weight. Then he had his diagnosis of speech delay and bunch more scary things, that I all I could do on any given day was think about him and his needs. My needs took a back seat. 

In any event....four pregnancies later...with two kids to show for it...and now that they are older, it's time I start treating myself like a supermodel (minus, the money, nannies, and exotic lifestyle)...in other words treating losing weight like it's my job...here I sit and I'm halfway to my goal of being lighter on my feet...it has been a journey...there is so much more to it...in terms of the image I have of myself...at 40...I'm finding that I just don't want "EXTRA." I don't want extra weight, extra clothes, extra stuff, extra anything. I want to be just right...just comfortable, have just enough. I want to be able to climb a mountain or hang at the beach without feeling the "extra."

That is what I've been up.

xoC